how’d i go from reminiscing to just being pissed at myself for being sad i’m missing the people that pushed and helped put me where i am right now?
tell me.
shouldn’t i just be thankful and keep on fighting and hoping that even though all of this is so much more than i thought i could ever handle i’ve made it this far and i seems that nobody else has given up one me?
please.
+i feel like i’m just a temporary pass time to most people. that no matter how much of myself i give them or how much they claim to be endeared i’ll end up in the same place. that i’m just going to be pushed to the back of their minds and be another one of their favorite memories. and while that means that i’ve impacted them in some way, i’m tired of being just that. people have told me that i’m important to them, that our relationship, be it friendship or other, means something only to prove me otherwise. i’ve let my guard down countless times and played the role of that comfortable rug that everyone like unloading shit on most of my life and it’s left me with a lot to think about.
see, this is the why i’m so objective now a days. the reason i seem so apathetic, even though i’m not. the reason i try to approach everything in a logical manner. i don’t like being fucking hurt. to me, it all comes down to not being a handkerchief: taking in all your sobs, your oozing mucus and whatever dirty little thing you want to wipe off from your skin.
+te imagino sonriendo, en mi mente, y el tiempo corre mas rápido hasta que llegues a mis brazos.
+“what the fuck is wrong with me?
i know i can do this. so why can’t i just do it? i mean, i guess being worried and stressed out over all of this is normal but i fucking know that i can do this so why is nothing happening like it should?
i’m sitting here trying to think of a way to make it all work and in my head, it seems amazing but when i try to apply it; well… it doesn’t come out. again and again i’m failing.
i swear i’m putting my all into this. every last bit of me. so why is not not coming out as it should? am i really just that bad? were the other times just luck. have i run out of juice?
fuck. i’m in a rut again. a rut i can’t afford to be in right now. there’s so much at stake… i have people counting on me. shit, i’m counting on this myself. i need to make it.
guess there’s not much else to do but work wait and hope…”
+“imagine if this was our life” he said. “imagine if all we did was light up, write, record & listen. of course, we’d have all the food we need. we wouldn’t be the rich, exactly. but we def wouldn’t be poor, we’d be alright. sure, there’d be a couple misunderstandings from time to time, a couple clashes here and there but we’re fam and that won’t ever change. we know this, so we wouldn’t worry. we’d be doing what we love doing, all of us. we’d be happy. we wouldn’t have to worry about anything.”
“why just imagine?”piff said. “we could have that. we could go places. i could fight new people.”
“is that all you think about, damn it?!” she growled as she whipped her hand at the back of piff’s shaved head-it had only been a week since he’d decided to chop off his locks.
“ow alex. that hurt” he smirked.
+