“what the fuck is wrong with me?

i know i can do this. so why can’t i just do it? i mean, i guess being worried and stressed out over all of this is normal but i fucking know that i can do this so why is nothing happening like it should?

i’m sitting here trying to think of a way to make it all work and in my head, it seems amazing but when i try to apply it; well… it doesn’t come out. again and again i’m failing.

i swear i’m putting my all into this. every last bit of me. so why is not not coming out as it should? am i really just that bad? were the other times just luck. have i run out of juice?

fuck. i’m in a rut again. a rut i can’t afford to be in right now. there’s so much at stake… i have people counting on me. shit, i’m counting on this myself. i need to make it. 

guess there’s not much else to do but work wait and hope…”

“imagine if this was our life” he said. “imagine if all we did was light up, write, record & listen. of course, we’d have all the food we need. we wouldn’t be the rich, exactly. but we def wouldn’t be poor, we’d be alright. sure, there’d be a couple misunderstandings from time to time, a couple clashes here and there but we’re fam and that won’t ever change. we know this, so we wouldn’t worry. we’d be doing what we love doing, all of us. we’d be happy. we wouldn’t have to worry about anything.” 

“why just imagine?”piff said. “we could have that. we could go places. i could fight new people.” 

“is that all you think about, damn it?!” she growled as she whipped her hand at the back of piff’s shaved head-it had only been a week since he’d decided to chop off his locks.

“ow alex. that hurt” he smirked. 

laugh at your own sorrow. if you fail to do so they will do it in your stead. 

Porn Stories (Pt.1)

“Ooh yeah baby. Want me to put that big fat…” Skip. “Mmm, yeah. Just like that. Just- like…” Skip. “Oh my god! Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Yeah! Fuck!” Pause.

Rod Steale: “People think this porn shit’s easy. That it’s all fun and nuts but they’re wrong. Yeah, I get to cum on (and most likely inside) a couple dozen of the most lusted after women of this generation but at the end of the day… it’s work.”

Sarah Synz: “Now when I first found out, I cracked up.  I’m pretty sure that’s not normal but I had a reason. See back when I told my family that I was a porn star, they didn’t react like most ‘normal’ families would. They’ve always been very open minded and accepting but even I didn’t expect them to take this in so easily. Guess I should’ve given them more credit. My grandmother- she’s the one who essentially raised me- cracked jokes on my behalf the whole night. She’d say something like ‘I can’t wait to see your face when you find out one of those slightly over averagely hung men knocked your pretty little ass up’. So yeah, when I found out all I could think of was her laughing and pointing at me ‘what’d I tell you?’ I miss her.”

“Yeah daddy! Keep going! Harder! Harder! Hard…” Skip.  “Ooh, right there, right there, fuck yeah…” Skip. “ Shit! Shit, shit, SHIT! I’m gonna cum! I’m gonna…” Rewind.

Rod Steale: “When I first got into the business, it was still fresh. I mean it was shit, but it was fresh. Think of it as the first time you change your newborn’s diaper. I should know. But things change. Times change. People like weird shit and if you want to make that cash you give it to them.”

Sarah Synz: “ I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. When they told me Bruce Bruises himself wanted to meet me I fell to the floor. No really, my leg got caught in chair and I plummeted face first into the ground. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary though –the falling part. I know I probably don’t look it but I’m extremely clumsy. I always drop things and hurt myself. It’s crazy how many times they’ve had to reschedule shoots because of me. I guess I do a good job though. No one ever complains.”

            “Mmm yeah.  Spread those legs baby. Let me see that…” Skip. “You like that huh? You like creaming all over my…” Skip. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna… Shit! I’m…” Skip.

Sarah Synz: “But yeah, as I was saying. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. I mean, Bruce is known to test people before he makes them into stars -and trust me, no one in this business becomes a star unless Bruce wants it that way- but damn. Next thing I know I’m in Japan surrounded by thirty six guys, on my knees.” 

Rod Steale: “ Now don’t get me wrong. I ain’t got shit against gays but being in the same room as thirty five other naked dudes is kind of gay. I wouldn’t do it again. I was standing by with my warm towel around my waist when they called me in. Everyone on set was Japanese, except for me. All this bull was so that big head Bruce would sign me to his agency. He’s always making people do odd shit. I mean, after this I’d be getting a lot more work so I didn’t mind.”

            “You want to fuck my tight ass pussy, don’t…” Skip. “Oh shit! Yeah daddy, harder! Harder!” Skip. “Ooh yeah, right there. Put it in my …” Rewind.

Sarah Synz: “My eyes were aimed at the floor. Along came the first pair of dirty sock covered feet, then another and another. Even though I knew exactly how many there were, it seemed never ending. As if all of Japan had come here to blow their loads on my face. I remember thinking to myself how it would suck to have to be the ones cleaning up the mess after the fact- I’d already come to terms with what was about to happen to here. They checked the lights, the camera and just as the director called action saw him.”

Rod Steale: “Her brown, no they were auburn. Yeah. Her auburn eyes looked up and ended up staring dead into mine. It freaked me out at first. I froze. I didn’t realize it until one of the dudes gave me a push forward. A few minutes later my dick was hard, I was stroking at full force and I was up next. Soon as the guy moved to the side, she reached for me.”