I was suddenly overcome with the urge to poop. It was a huge one at that. One of those fiery fucks that leave your butt hole singed. I put my left foot on the floor, pivoted in the other direction and pushed only to realize that my right foot had fallen completely asleep. My fate was sealed. Accepting the fact that i was about to dive, head first into the wall I tried pulling my arms up to protect my face. It was useless, before my arm could even start moving my nose laid all scrunched up on the wall, my spit thick as glue.

Porn Stories (Pt.1)

“Ooh yeah baby. Want me to put that big fat…” Skip. “Mmm, yeah. Just like that. Just- like…” Skip. “Oh my god! Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Yeah! Fuck!” Pause.

Rod Steale: “People think this porn shit’s easy. That it’s all fun and nuts but they’re wrong. Yeah, I get to cum on (and most likely inside) a couple dozen of the most lusted after women of this generation but at the end of the day… it’s work.”

Sarah Synz: “Now when I first found out, I cracked up.  I’m pretty sure that’s not normal but I had a reason. See back when I told my family that I was a porn star, they didn’t react like most ‘normal’ families would. They’ve always been very open minded and accepting but even I didn’t expect them to take this in so easily. Guess I should’ve given them more credit. My grandmother- she’s the one who essentially raised me- cracked jokes on my behalf the whole night. She’d say something like ‘I can’t wait to see your face when you find out one of those slightly over averagely hung men knocked your pretty little ass up’. So yeah, when I found out all I could think of was her laughing and pointing at me ‘what’d I tell you?’ I miss her.”

“Yeah daddy! Keep going! Harder! Harder! Hard…” Skip.  “Ooh, right there, right there, fuck yeah…” Skip. “ Shit! Shit, shit, SHIT! I’m gonna cum! I’m gonna…” Rewind.

Rod Steale: “When I first got into the business, it was still fresh. I mean it was shit, but it was fresh. Think of it as the first time you change your newborn’s diaper. I should know. But things change. Times change. People like weird shit and if you want to make that cash you give it to them.”

Sarah Synz: “ I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. When they told me Bruce Bruises himself wanted to meet me I fell to the floor. No really, my leg got caught in chair and I plummeted face first into the ground. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary though –the falling part. I know I probably don’t look it but I’m extremely clumsy. I always drop things and hurt myself. It’s crazy how many times they’ve had to reschedule shoots because of me. I guess I do a good job though. No one ever complains.”

            “Mmm yeah.  Spread those legs baby. Let me see that…” Skip. “You like that huh? You like creaming all over my…” Skip. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna… Shit! I’m…” Skip.

Sarah Synz: “But yeah, as I was saying. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. I mean, Bruce is known to test people before he makes them into stars -and trust me, no one in this business becomes a star unless Bruce wants it that way- but damn. Next thing I know I’m in Japan surrounded by thirty six guys, on my knees.” 

Rod Steale: “ Now don’t get me wrong. I ain’t got shit against gays but being in the same room as thirty five other naked dudes is kind of gay. I wouldn’t do it again. I was standing by with my warm towel around my waist when they called me in. Everyone on set was Japanese, except for me. All this bull was so that big head Bruce would sign me to his agency. He’s always making people do odd shit. I mean, after this I’d be getting a lot more work so I didn’t mind.”

            “You want to fuck my tight ass pussy, don’t…” Skip. “Oh shit! Yeah daddy, harder! Harder!” Skip. “Ooh yeah, right there. Put it in my …” Rewind.

Sarah Synz: “My eyes were aimed at the floor. Along came the first pair of dirty sock covered feet, then another and another. Even though I knew exactly how many there were, it seemed never ending. As if all of Japan had come here to blow their loads on my face. I remember thinking to myself how it would suck to have to be the ones cleaning up the mess after the fact- I’d already come to terms with what was about to happen to here. They checked the lights, the camera and just as the director called action saw him.”

Rod Steale: “Her brown, no they were auburn. Yeah. Her auburn eyes looked up and ended up staring dead into mine. It freaked me out at first. I froze. I didn’t realize it until one of the dudes gave me a push forward. A few minutes later my dick was hard, I was stroking at full force and I was up next. Soon as the guy moved to the side, she reached for me.”

Dirty Little Whores (Pt.1)

“Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to the world’s most watched show in all of history. When we left you our contestants were just about to get into the final stages of the competition. THIS, is the last week that all four of them will be on this stage together. THIS, is their last chance at worldwide fame. THIS, is DIRTY-LITTLE-WHORES! “

“These bitches ain’t shit. Like, for real. I done went through too much drama in my life to let these amateur ass hoes take my lime light. I’ll show them, I’ll show them all what I’m made of: One hundred percent pure booty clappin’, pussy poppin’, five foot seven, thirty-three, twenty-eight, forty one American black ass.”

Our first contestant Anita Shontae Knox is what we call, and expert in the hoe business. This veteran started working at The Jolly Rancher at the tender age of ten.  

“The way this nigga says it, you’d a thought I was strippin’ at that age. They might’ve had me selling bags in the back and shit but there ain’t no way Mr. Porter woulda let me work the poles. Matter fact, the only time I got to get near the stage was when Luscious Diamonds had her random ass fuckin’ seizures- shit used to scare the hell out my ass. Shit, I remember the first time my thighs hugged on those two inches of diameter stretchin’ from the ground to the ceilin’ –felt way better than the pole I stole from my neighbors basketball hoop. Goddamn that was a good feeling! Remember it like it happened yesterday. It was my fifteenth birthday and it was almost time to open. I was rushing, tryna scrape off the blood from some fight that broke out the night before. I was making a home delivery to one of the hoes on 178th & Elm st.  so I didn’t catch the scrap but Sizzle told me Bert –one of the security guys- almost killed that fool Trevon. That nigga was always walking up in the spot tryna holla at Trinity but since she never hit him up I guess the nigga thought it’d be smart to whip out his dick in the club. Anyway, when I got done cleaning I got up and saw Mr. Porter standing in front of me with a big ass box. I ain’t think nothin’ of it. I just thought it was another box of goodies for me to sell. I was a bit confused when I grabbed it and realized that it didn’t weigh the usual fifteen kilos so I opened it up.  I ain’t need to tell ya how high my ass jumped when I found out the box was filled to the top with outfits. I’ont think I’ve ever cried that much in my life.” 

Lazy Afternoons

Sweat running down his face he just pushed out the biggest load of crap he’d ever seen. Such a plump and juicy mesh with a dank stench that could make nostrils bleed from miles away. He was astonished no one had run away, or at least passed out when he let that one rip. He looked into her big brown eyes waiting for some sort of reaction: cocktail shower, slap to the face or maybe a modern day reenactment of the nutcracker. His eyes closed, his hands retracting in fear as her arm stretched towards the bastard. She softly grabbed his arm and started writing… My oh my, what a surprise. She was chopping down her number as she licked her lips painted of a crimson red. “Gold digger! Gold digger!” said one of the voices in his head, “you can’t be calling a girl who’s in it for the money!”

“ You’ve got to be pulling my leg! Who are you kidding? Did you not just listen to a word you’ve just said?” Quickly retorted the second.

“ I know but…”

“But nothing! You started this and like it or not, you’re going to finish it!” Rudely interrupted the second voice.

            “Call Me” said the five foot four flawless work of art as she floated out the door her voluptuous silhouette still imprinted on Jack­­’s brain. “What to do, what to do?” he mumbled to himself.

There were honestly quite a few dirty deeds that found their way into his head but that wasn’t what he meant. There was no way in hell that he’d be able to pull this off.

See a Jack’s a loser. Dead end job, no self-confidence and until very recently, he lived with his mother. This excuse for a man has somehow managed to remove anything positive from his life. The only thing he has going for him is, well… He’s very well endowed. Scratch that, he’s huge! But that fact doesn’t really come into account since he has yet to use this weapon. Yes, he’s a virgin. But after what happened, I can’t really blame him. Actually… I can, kids needs to grow some balls.

See one autumn’s eve the youngling sought his beloved by the lake, where they met every Sunday but today was a Thursday. They were meeting for a special occasion. He had finally got a job, a job he enjoyed, one where success was but a few steps away. He called out her name, “ Rain! Rain!” with a cheerful tone but there was no answer,“ Rain! Rain!” with a worried tone and still no answer, “Rain…” he whimpered.

Just as all glimpse of hope seemed to fade into extinction, a shadow passed him by, melting into the darkness of the trees. He followed with caution, inhale, exhale. The figure turned right, so did he; it turned left and again he followed. The pace was picking up, his vision blurred, he started panting, his legs were giving in. “Stop!” he let out along with his last breath. He fell to his knees; his skin glowed of a ghastly white.  The figure stood in the shadows as Jack tried to pick himself up. Hands griping the dirt, his eyes inside of which swam such pain, his lips parted to mutter the incomprehensible. The figure didn’t budge. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Jack stumbled onto his feet, back bent, arms flailing helplessly to the ground. He leaned right, then left and back again. His knees trembling, he glared before him, “Tell me what you know…”

Before answering, the man turned around, took a step forward and slowly reached for Jack’s shoulder. It was Herald -Herald is a man who lives not too far from the lake. Rain and jack would often see him walking around the woods- Jack felt at ease, safe. The man’s blue eyes peered into Jack’s and not a word needed to be uttered, it was all clear; Rain had passed. No words, just the bitter sound of pain blossomed in the woods. The man told Jack what he saw, what he heard, at least what he could understand from his hiding place: There was a man, a man in a suit. He stood before her, as she struggled to free herself from the two beasts that held her down. The man in the suit walked over to her and whispered in her ear. She veered left and right, kicking in every direction as her face bubbled with anger. “Don’t do this!” she busted out, the animals holding her down with such ease.

“ I wanted to help her, I really did, but I was too scared” the man told Jack, his fist clenching in remorse –Herald might have the physique of a strong man but he’s a wimp at heart-. Jack didn’t flinch, his eyes were empty. It was as if his soul had gone away and left nothing but a shell. Countless memories, hopes and dreams shattered by one man, a man in a suit. Jack took a deep breath and spoke: “what happened next?”

The man talked. He told a story of pain, a story who’s every single word was just another stab at whatever Jack had left for a heart. The world had turned dark; the sun was to shine no longer.

  Since that day, Jack has never even attempted to speak to the species that ovulates. And if by some kind of miracle they would show the slightest interest in the bum, he’d always find the perfect way to not do a damn thing. Seriously, even Lucas –his retard of a best friend- gets some ass from time to time. I mean, he doesn’t exactly have the highest standards in the world but as he says: “Ass is Ass.”

Now by some kind of miracle, Lucas not only managed to convince the bum to take a bet but he managed to make him lose, something I still can’t come to ends with but let’s not question this lovely situation. Now for having lost, Jack had to somehow get invited into a girl’s house and bring back a pair of her panties. If he would fail, then it was off to the next one. This might seem somewhat immature to you, and you’re completely right, but there isn’t much else left to do.

Skip to Saturday morning, Jack’s looking mighty fine. Okay, maybe he just looks all right. I mean, he’s wearing his funeral clothes, for what occasion? Well Old Papa Johnson had died a couple of weeks before hand. It was a sad day for Jack.

See Old Papa Johnson was a cool cat from down below. He had moved up north to take care of his grandchildren after the death of their parents, but soon after they graduated they left him to his nine lives. Jack and him had met on a Sunday afternoon, after mass. Back when Jack actually believed in something. This was before the Rain incident, way before. Now Papa Johnson used to see the lovebirds often; mostly after the service. They would always head north of the town. One day, he stopped them and asked: “Excuse me but, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you younglings.” They smiled at him and told him to go on. “I was just curious as to why you two always go up north after mass, what is there that keeps you coming?” They both looked at each other and smiled. Rain turned to Mr. Johnson and said: “Well up there there’s a lake, and when night falls, the sky falls into it and you can touch the stars.” With a smile and a “Have a good day”, they were off.

After school, rain would work at her mother’s bakery which left Jack plenty of time alone. Often times he would explore the town and find his love a gift. But one day he came across Papa Johnson’s place: an old house with blue scales, broken glasses and the stench of rum running through every corridor. The old man invited him in for a while. Took them a while, but they managed to spring off quite the conversation & since that day, it became a regular thing. An weekly visit to Papa Johnson became a must. He played every single instrument you could think of, played with famous artists, slept with countless women, been around the world, Papa Johnson had done it all. They sat for hours on end everyday talking about music, love –mostly about Rain-, passion, pain.

But one day, when Jack was out of town with his folks. Rain decided to pay Mr. Johnson a visit, a “thank you for keeping Jack company when I’m at work” kind of thing. Papa Johnson explained to Rain how much Jack loved her. Her pale cheeks took a tone of red. She couldn’t believe the words Mr. Johnson uttered. It was like she was falling for Jack all over again. “No matter what you do, promise me you won’t break the kid’s heart”, her let out. She smiled and answered: “I promise. I know we have a couple of fights from time to time. But thing will get better as soon as we move to the city.” Mr. Johnsons eyes opened wide, he was in disbelief. “M… m… move? What d… do you mean m… move?

-Well it’s the reason I’m working right now. Jack’s also looking for a job up there. A friend of his parents might have something for him up there for him. Well if he passes the tests that is. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you…”

After a few more minutes of conversation, Rain got a call from her mother that needed help back home. She thanked Mr. Johnson for his hospitality and went on her way.

Now as the will was being read, Jack examined his surroundings only to notice some very odd people. There was a pair of twins -god knows how old they were- whose faces and bodies were entirely covered in tattoos, arms scarred beyond repair. They looked like the gigantic people you’d see on the history channel chasing down some now extinct animal three times their size with rocks and sticks. An old lady sat by his side covered in layers and layers of black fabric, sobbing away the few days that she had left. To her right was a little boy, no older than six. He had both his hands on hers, as his eyes looking up to the shriveled prune that was her face, he seemed very annoyed by all of this. Across from him sat a man and a woman. There was really nothing remarkable about those two. They seemed overly normal. Later on Jack found out that the woman was a man and that the man was a woman.

A man in a suit, that screamed “I will take your money”, walked into the room, a folder in hand. He sat at the far end of the small office, facing us all. After a few basic procedures he started giving people what they wanted. “ To the twins, Harold and Devin, I leave my collection of vintage sports cars. Use them as you see fit. To Lucille, I leave my Florida estate, my California estate and half of what is found in all of my bank accounts combined. And to Jack, I Leave my favorite Jacket… Jack was content but the couple across from him wasn’t. It seems they were sure they would get something. They glared at him throughout the remainder of the process; they despised him.

Hours later Jack was back home, watching TV until Lucas came bursting through the door “What in the hell are you still doing in here? You have a date in an twenty minutes, shouldn’t you be dressed and leaving?”

“I am ready” he replied not even turning his eyes from the screen.

“Wait what? You look like a bum! Get your 4 pizzas a day eating self in the room and find yourself something decent to wear!” Lucas violently shot back.

“Fine” Jack replied as he sluggishly headed for his room.

He went through the 5 options that hung from his closet again and again.  That’s when he remembered Papa Johnson’s Jacket. It was honestly the coolest item of clothing that this fool owned and so it was only natural that it’d be the right call. A plain white tee, and pair of jeans, some 3 year old vans and of course, that jacket. It’s far from being the most appealing look but, since it’s a casual date- at a local café, this should do.

It’s eight o’clock, on the dot. She walks through the doors with the cool breeze right behind her. She’s wearing a tee, leggings that snuggly wrap around her dangerous curves and pair of heels designed by a man who’s name you can’t pronounce; quite a sight for sore eyes. She smiles as she sees him waiting patiently on a table on the other side of the patio, drink in hand. She walks over his way, and says: “I’m going to powder my nose, I’ll be right back.” As she did, whatever women do when they go powder their nose, he sat there, pondering of a way to feed onto the lie that had gotten him this far. Should he open the conversation with investment plans? Maybe tell her a little about his non-existent collection of cars that date back to the fifties. Or maybe he should just fess up, tell her it was all a lie that was forced upon him by his ignorant friend who was just trying to get him laid because since that day, well…

His head’s flipping in all directions, no idea what to do. He can’t stop fiddling with his hands; taps them on the table, scratches his throat then moves onto his hair and finally, he slips them into his jacket and his face goes from worried to plain old confused. See in his right pocket was an envelope. He was a bit surprised that he hadn’t noticed it before and thought it could be one of Lucas’ little pranks but the seal on it told him different. It was one of those old wax seals he’d seen so many times. He could still see the old wrinkled brown skinned hand shaking and pressing it’s weight onto the envelope; the letters “AJ” in he middle of the now cooled wax. This was Papa Johnson’s doing. Tears were running down Jack’s cheeks before he even opened the letter. His eyes… the more he read the more they filled with pain, sorrow, anger & disappointment. Without a second thought he slammed the letter onto the table, threw a few dollars on the table and left.

His date walked out of the bathroom with a smile unlike any other but that didn’t last long. She looked at the empty chair, confused. On the table, she saw nothing. Her smile disappeared and her arm headed towards that of the first waiter she saw. “Where did he go?” she said through her clenched teeth. The brown haired boy, who seemed to be looking straight into the devil’s eyes replied: “I… I…I don’t… know, I’m sorry. All he left was this.” His young man’s hand slipped into his pocket and grabbed the letter. “Maybe you can give it back to him.” As her grip loosened up she opened up the letter and started reading…

“Dear Jack,

I’ve drafted this letter so many times and yet I still haven’t been able to find the right words. This being said, I’ve decided that this would be the last one. If you’re reading this, then I’ve probably passed away. I also want to thank you for those lazy afternoons we spent together. I know we didn’t do much but talk, but I’ve really enjoyed your company throughout these years. Then again, this is not the reason for this letter and I’m really sorry everything had to end this way but you need to know. One day Rain came and gave me a visit. It was probably one of the days you went out of town with your parents, I’m not sure. But that day, Rain told me you two were planning on moving to the city soon. For the fist time ever, I felt like I belonged, like I had purpose. All I ever wanted since the day I got married was to pass on my knowledge to my kids. But since their mother passed away, all they’ve ever done was ignore me. And the few times they actually listened, they did all that was in their power to prove me wrong. Maybe they thought I was to blame for Lisa-Rae’s death or maybe it was something else. Either way neither of them spoke to me. And if they needed something from me, they would ask Lucille, my sister to send me the message. She was actually my only way of finding out how they were doing. But you, you were my son, you called me Papa; I spoke and you listened. And I just couldn’t let that go. I couldn’t let her take you away from me. If I had known that you would still move away even after she died, I wouldn’t have done it. I’m selfish, this I know. I took her life to extend mine but instead, all I did was take your soul away. I managed to push away the closest thing to a son I’ve ever had. I hope that you can one day forgive me for what I’ve done, but I understand that this will probably not happen. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. Goodbye son.

With love,

Papa Johnson”

Dear Anna,(2)

As she trenched through the mud, heading towards the village her thoughts wandered to a time where she didn’t have much to worry about. Back then, the most trivial thing seemed to be a challenge, a mission.

There was once a bushwillow not too far from she stood now.  She would climb it daily, attempting to reach the top. She was tired of the faires telling her what was coming from afar. She wanted to take of herself, she didn’t want help.