“what the fuck is wrong with me?

i know i can do this. so why can’t i just do it? i mean, i guess being worried and stressed out over all of this is normal but i fucking know that i can do this so why is nothing happening like it should?

i’m sitting here trying to think of a way to make it all work and in my head, it seems amazing but when i try to apply it; well… it doesn’t come out. again and again i’m failing.

i swear i’m putting my all into this. every last bit of me. so why is not not coming out as it should? am i really just that bad? were the other times just luck. have i run out of juice?

fuck. i’m in a rut again. a rut i can’t afford to be in right now. there’s so much at stake… i have people counting on me. shit, i’m counting on this myself. i need to make it. 

guess there’s not much else to do but work wait and hope…”

“imagine if this was our life” he said. “imagine if all we did was light up, write, record & listen. of course, we’d have all the food we need. we wouldn’t be the rich, exactly. but we def wouldn’t be poor, we’d be alright. sure, there’d be a couple misunderstandings from time to time, a couple clashes here and there but we’re fam and that won’t ever change. we know this, so we wouldn’t worry. we’d be doing what we love doing, all of us. we’d be happy. we wouldn’t have to worry about anything.” 

“why just imagine?”piff said. “we could have that. we could go places. i could fight new people.” 

“is that all you think about, damn it?!” she growled as she whipped her hand at the back of piff’s shaved head-it had only been a week since he’d decided to chop off his locks.

“ow alex. that hurt” he smirked. 

12.9.2011

her life was stressful so she laid it out on her bed.
bringing in men just for the sex.
she longed for the lust, large hands to grope her bust
‘til they bust one.

she had no loved ones.
don’t get it wrong, she seems strong but,
she was alone, two houses but no homes.
awoke with the sun but it wasn’t her own.

she was prone to the use of a variety or poisons
nicotine to lines of white to needles bringing heavenly delights.

“i’m skinny with an ass and my tits are fucking glorious.
i’ve got enough cash that everything i want or need, i buy”

henessy, some gin and juice to put her to sleep.
a couple of pills for the secrets she keeps.

goodnight, she said.
goodnight world,

she sleeps.

laugh at your own sorrow. if you fail to do so they will do it in your stead.